Controlling the Future
There are times when I start to think about my future and what I want it to look like, what I want to do, and how it’ll be. As someone who used to be a control freak, I’ve learned that it’s fruitless to dwell on such matters. Though I still think about my future and what it holds for me. For example, I was just listening to an online class about holiday customs and traditions. I was enjoying the class as I learned about why people hold the customs they do, and what tips on how to make the holiday an exciting event for the entire family. It was lovely. Then I realized my thoughts were drifting off to what I would do when I have my own family. I started thinking about what customs would I want to teach and pass down to my children, and what customs would my husband want to teach our children from his family. It’s all such a lovely thought, though maybe I’m in a negative place which is highly likely. I started to think and realize that I really don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know if I’ll even get married. I don’t know if I’ll have children. I don’t know if my children are going to be interested in what I teach them.
I just don’t know what the future holds. As of lately, life has been so busy with so many good things that I don’t have much time to think about the future. I only have time to think about the here and now, what is going on right now, what I need to do right now, and what I need to do next (as in the next hour to a couple hours). The furthest I can think ahead, at least I think this is the furthest, is what I need to do the next day. I think this works well with me. I know it’s very important to live in the moment and enjoy the moment, so being extremely busy really helps and forces me to look at only what is going on now and the very near future.
Doing this also helps me slow down (if it is possible). Before when I wanted to have more control of my life (and future), I would find myself so disappointed when I would accomplish all the tasks I had planned to accomplish for that particular day. Disappointed really is not the best word to describe my feelings. The best word would be devastated. I would be depressed. I remember at the end of the day, when I would get ready for bed, I would say to myself all the things I didn’t accomplish. Of course, this would cause such a huge negative emotion and energy within myself. I would go to bed extremely unhappy with myself. Over time, thankfully, I learned that I needed to focus on the things I did accomplish whether it be a small amount of tasks or a large amount of tasks. The biggest help was knowing and understanding that whatever I did accomplish that day was exactly what I was supposed to accomplish that day, and whatever I didn’t accomplish was exactly what I didn’t need to accomplish that day. That was the biggest difference in helping me let go.
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